AS YOU CAN SEE IN THE ABOVE PICTURE, EUROPEAN GAMING EXECUTIVES ARE FULL OF ANIMAL CRUELTY: THEY RIDE YAKS TO WORK!
I had a friend call me today, asking me if I would be interested in being the game director of a first-person shooter/immersive simulation game, à la Deus Ex, which is a ten millionish dollar project that kicks off in Europe next month. For those of you who know me, you know that "first-person shooter" isn't anywhere in my bag: I'm a hippy at heart, and, if I had hair, I would grow that hair down to my butt cheeks and then pepper that hair with flowers. (For those of you with hair, please send me some hair! And some flowers!)
I asked this friend, "You have 10 millionish dollars to compete with the big boys: How exactly do you expect to find this marquee talent!?" My friend said, "You can put your name on the game, on the box, right above the title."
WUT!?
Putting talent's name on the game should be industry standard practice! Putting talent's name on a game creates brand attachment, allowing studios and publishers to diversify intellectual property portfolios in a more risk-managed manner: For example, "If you liked Scott Foe's Hippy Butt Hair Brothers, you'll love Scott Foe's Clowns That Clown On Clowns!" But, studios and publishers rarely put talents' names on the games, on the boxes, right above the titles, because, if talent walks away from the studio or publisher, the brand attachment walks away with the talent.
My friend is right: Putting a talent's name on a game is a solid (and totally free) way to attract marquee badasses and badassettes. More so, putting a talent's name on a game is a great way to lessen the risk of new entertainment property development, provided you ... SHOCKED FACE ... create a great studio working environment that compels a talent to want to stick around to direct the next title. What exactly is the point of having "marquee talent" if there is no marquee!?
I was considering tossing my hat into the ring for this game director gig, until I remembered that I am bald and it is cold outside and I need my hat. Also, "twice-monthly trips to Europe" ... I mean, no offense to European people ... especially handsome, yak-riding Italian people with ridiculously lush heads of hair named "Alessandro Tento" ... and, Europe is TOTALLY GROSS!
Have you ever seen a European coffee cup?! European coffee cups are so tiny that they look like shot glasses! My regular readers know that I love shock humor, and will think that I am joshing and, no, fam: European coffee cups look exactly like shot glasses. Bet.
The histrionics of the internet are always up in arms about how "The Patriot Act took muh FREEDOMS away," and, I'm going to suggest against the popular grain: The Patriot Act needs to be expanded with prejudice to land any person who drinks coffee out of a shot glass as the target of an extrajudicial no touch torture operation.
FOR MY FOREIGN READERS: THE ABOVE IMAGE IS WHAT A COFFEE CUP IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE. JUST AS A WINE BARREL ADDS FLAVOR COMPOUNDS LIKE OAK, SMOKE, AND CLOVE TO THE MAKEUP OF A WINE, THE PAPER, 20-OUNCE COFFEE CUP ADDS FLAVOR COMPOUNDS—SOUTH AMERICAN WOOD, CARBON EMISSIONS, LABORER TEARS—TO THE MAKEUP OF A COFFE. USING THE SUPERIOR IMPERIAL SYSTEM, MEASURING IN "OUNCES" INSTILLS A HEIGHTENED SENSE OF BETTER-THAN-YOU-ARE FOR THE DRINKER, WHICH IS WHAT WE CALL "EMOTIONAL PRODUCT MANAGEMENT" IN SILICON VALLEY.
