Thursday, April 6, 2017

Retrospective: 2D Died



i.

Anybody who truly knows me knows that I love to sing; in fact, I frequently torture serenade my employees using the public address system at our offices. (By "public address system," I mean the microphone that I plugged into our television.) I'm what they call on the deep web a "Top-40 Glee-er," in that I believe that all of life's problems can be solved through crooning the wisdoms of the poet Drake - anytime, anywhere. 

Maybe it's a repressed memory, or maybe it's all of the bowls of Oxycodone drenched in Screaming Eagle Cabernet, but I had forgotten that, ten years ago, I had, in fact, written the lyrics for a song that was recorded by the legendary chiptune band 8 Bit Weapon. "2D Died," is a song about The Golden Age of 2D Gaming, and, like the social media-savvy kids say, I'm going to throwback Thursday by finally publishing the lyrics, and also by offering a quiz to see how much you, dear reader, know about the great old days of video games ...




ii.

A long, long time ago,
I can still remember
how that console made me smile.

And I knew that if I had my chance,
I’d ride an ostrich, wield a lance, [Joust]
and maybe I’d be happy, for a while.

The late-nineties made me shiver,
with every game that got delivered,
more first-person shooters,
Brit-chicks with big hooters. [Tomb Raider]

I can’t remember if I cried
when I read about the arcade’s demise,
but something touched me deep inside
the day that 2D died.

So bye, bye Mr. 16-bit Sprite;
flew my TwinBee and my WinBee [TwinBee]
looking for extra life;
and bitmap boys swung over pitfalls with vines, [Pitfall!]
singin’, “We’ll hit reset when we die.
We’ll hit reset if we die.”

Did you raise the Master Sword?
And did you put down the Dark Lord
with a Silver Arrow? [The Legend of Zelda]

Do you always play to win?
Can you pull off Shoryuken?
and can you teach me all
those cool combos? [Street Fighter II]

Well, I know that you finished him,
‘cause I saw you rip off his limbs. [Mortal Kombat]
Now the match is through:
A WINNER IS YOU! [Pro Wrestling]

I was a lonely dark knight
when trouble struck,
carried by a yellow bird
who had lots of pluck. [Final Fantasy IV]
But that was no Duck Hunt [Duck Hunt]
the day that 2D died.

I started playin’!
Bye, bye Mr. 16-bit Sprite;
flew my TwinBee and my WinBee [TwinBee]
looking for extra life;
and bitmap boys swung over pitfalls with vines, [Pitfall!]
singin’, “We’ll hit reset when we die.
We’ll hit reset if we die.”

Near 20 years hedgehogs have ran, [Sonic The Hedgehog]
and that plumber is still the man, [Mario Brothers]
but it’s all in 3D.

When at last the aliens all were dead,
the bounty hunter revealed his head,
and it turned out that he’s really a she. [Metroid]

Oh and while the blocks were falling down, [Tetris]
the Saxons were defending the crown. [Defender of the Crown]
the missile command turned, [Missile Command]
while we hit the afterburner. [After Burner]

Oh and while Simon whipped vampires, [Castlevania]
my excitebike needed new tires. [Excitebike]
Everywhere World War II barbed wire [Call of Duty II]
the day that 2D died ...

We were playin’!
Bye, bye Mr. 16-bit Sprite;
flew my TwinBee and my WinBee [TwinBee]
looking for extra life;
and bitmap boys swung over pitfalls with vines, [Pitfall!]
singin’, “We’ll hit reset when we die.
We’ll hit reset if we die.”

Up, up, down, down,
left-right, left-right
might just get you 30 lives.
Don’t forget B, A, Start. [Contra]

Winning over Marion’s heart
with your mastery of the martial arts, [Double Dragon]
back before heroes stole cars … [Grand Theft Auto III]

Our lunar landers neared the moon, [Lunar Lander]
while the pig popped the wolf’s balloon. [Pooyan]
Three kingdoms were romanced, [Romance of the Three Kingdoms]
But they never thought to dance dance! [Dance Dance Revolution]

‘Cause the centipede was coming fast, [Centipede]
the tanks were ready for combat ... [Combat]
Oh man, the TV got smashed [Smash TV]
the day that 2D died.

We started playin’!
Bye, bye Mr. 16-bit Sprite;
flew my TwinBee and my WinBee [TwinBee]
looking for extra life;
and bitmap boys swung over pitfalls with vines, [Pitfall!]
singin’, “We’ll hit reset when we die.
We’ll hit reset if we die.”

And there we were all in one place,
blasting invaders from outer space, [Space Invaders]
with no quarter left to play again.

So break out, [Breakout]
beast be altered, [Altered Beast]
axe be gold … [Golden Axe]
We’ve lost the joystick
and control,
a reset generation. [Reset Generation]

Before opening the black gate, [Ultima VII: The Black Gate]
I battled through those streets of rage … [Streets of Rage]
The chief loaded his guns! [Halo: Combat Evolved]
The duke yelled, “Come get some!” [Duke Nukem 3D]

And as I lived out my half-life, [Half-Life]
I missed out on the final fight … [Final Fight]
We were doomed all right [Doom]
the day that 2D died.

He was playin’!
Bye, bye Mr. 16-bit Sprite;
flew my TwinBee and my WinBee [TwinBee]
looking for extra life;
and bitmap boys swung over pitfalls with vines, [Pitfall!]
singin’, “We’ll hit reset when we die.
We’ll hit reset if we die.”

I met a princess dressed in blue,
and I asked if she needed rescue,
but she just smiled and turned away. [Reset Generation]

So I went down to the miracle world
where I’d saved my brother years before …
Paper, scissors, rock won the day. [Alex Kidd in Miracle World]

In the streets, paperboys delivered, [Paperboy]
frogs were flattened, [Frogger]
zombies ate my neighbors. [Zombies Ate My Neighbors]
The fallout was unwanted; [Fallout]
Spies were being hunted. [Spyhunter]

And I was being chased by ghosts.
Got a pellet when I needed one most.
Then those nasty ghosts were toast [Pac-Man]
the day that 2D died.

And they were playin’!
Bye, bye Mr. 16-bit Sprite;
flew my TwinBee and my WinBee [TwinBee]
looking for extra life;
and bitmap boys swung over pitfalls with vines, [Pitfall!]
singin’, “We’ll hit reset when we die.
We’ll hit reset if we die.”

They were singin’!
Bye, bye Mr. 16-bit Sprite;
flew my TwinBee and my WinBee [TwinBee]
looking for extra life;
and bitmap boys swung over pitfalls with vines, [Pitfall!]
singin’, “We’ll hit reset if we die..”

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Opinion: Secrets, and Secret Places for GDC




As an 18-year veteran of the games industry and an 18-year resident of San Francisco, I have secrets (and secret places) for Game Developers Conference ...

(1) Be truly kind to people: The first thing that I say whenever anybody asks me for advice about the games industry is, "It's not about who you know; it's not about who knows you; it's about who likes you and who loves you." And that is SO true. No company has ever made a game; people make games; be truly kind to people and you'll have little to regret in life.

(2) Be doubly kind to the organizers: Putting on any event is stressful. Putting on the LARGEST event in the world of the games industry? Trust me when I say that you'd rather take a bath in Tabasco while smoking 100 Camel Blues in a row than be tasked with the challenge of organizing and operating Game Developers Conference. Be doubly kind to the organizers: Instead of giving them shit, how about a bottled water and a sincere thank you for creating memories that we will cherish for our lifetimes.

(3) Your game is your name: Your game is your name in this industry; the bigger the game, the farther you'll get with people. Don't get frustrated if the editor of that giant website seems disinterested in you. Use that as fuel to make bigger, better games. 

(4) Your name is your game, and your company: We live in the age of sunlight; nothing stays hidden. One unscrupulous screw up by you could find its way to Twitter, to the press, and to every mailing list in the games industry, costing you (and maybe your coworkers) game sales, a career, and even share price and/or exit value. If you wouldn't say nor do it to your mother, don't say nor do it - this applies outside of Game Developers Conference as well, just to be crystal.

(5) Don't Crash Parties: The companies who throw events at GDC have cost/benefit analyzed business reasons for doing so, with targeted guest lists aimed at achieving business goals, and they spend more on these parties than most of you reading will ever spend on an event in your life. You don't want some drunken, uninvited jackass burning your hard-earned money at your birthday party do you?! Well ...

(6) Haunt Some Lobbies: Have absolutely nothing to do? The W, the Intercontinental, The St. Regis, and the Clift are teeming with games industry professionals. Go be truly kind to people and make some contacts.

(7) Never Wear A Backpack: Hey! You! With the giant rucksack walking through the crowded space at Game Developers Conference: Nobody likes you; your mom doesn't even like you. The smartphone in my pocket does more and better than the giant workstations that I used in the 90's to complete my computer science degree, so shouldn't that be enough? One backpack bump by you could find its way to Twitter, to the press, and to every mailing list in the games industry, costing you (and maybe your coworkers) game sales, a career, and even share price and/or exit value. 

(8) Find A Quiet Space: Fly Trap, 83 Proof, and Natoma Cabana are sneaky-underutilized fancy bars nearby the conference center. Steffs and The Lark are more downscale sneaky-underutilized options within walking distance of Game Developers Conference - and Steffs has an old-timey popcorn machine, making it the greatest bar in all of South of Market area.

(9) Find Some Food: The Bloomingdale's close to the conference center has a truly excellent food court in the basement. Also within walking distance of the conference ... North India is all-you-can-eat Indian food at a reasonable price. Atlas Tap Room has craft beers, good wines, and bonkers sandwiches. Archive Bar & Kitchen has pizza - some of which have ghost peppers. The Pink Elephant, which is only open for lunch on Fridays, has the best pub food that you will ever experience.

(10) Find Some Coffee: Philz Coffee is amazing - like angels are dancing on your tongue. Don't listen to anybody who says that Blue Bottle Coffee is better coffee than Philz: Those people are all dirty, dirty liars who have probably never worked in the trenches of a real game production in their lives.

(11) Find Some Tea: Like tea? Samovar Tea Lounge: It's like a zoo full of games industry executives. How many publishing deals have hands been shaken on there, I wonder? If Samovar were to disappear, would the entire games industry vanish with it?!

(12) Find Some Food After Hours: In need of vomunition?! The Pub, in Aquatic Park, has tremendous BBQ, boozy drinks, and is open and serving everything until 2:00 a.m. Just remember to tip your server before puking outside.

(13) Real San Francisco Party, Sunday through Wednesday: Want to find real San Francisco party on an off night? Look no farther than Madrone, where all of the San Francisco-local bartenders and wait staffs go when they get off of work for the evening. Be careful, those might not be cigarettes that people are smoking outside.

(14) Thursday Party: On a Thursday, start with Driftwood, where even the wicked cocktails mix wicked cocktails. Then, head on over to Cat Club, for 1984, an 80's theme dance party that is so sweet, it will give you cavities. Madonna wigs are optional, but encouraged.

(15) Friday Party: What!? You're still alive after a full week of Game Developers Conference?! Well, okay then ... #SFGameNight usually throws an uproarious party at Folsom Street Foundry on the Friday of GDC. Board games, video games, fried chicken, and beers will be waiting upon you to geek. Once you get pulled over for kart racing under the influence, 11th Street offers a buffet of bad decisions for you to make.

(16) Saturday Party: StackOverflowError

(17) Change Somebody's Life: Whenever anybody asks me, "How do I get into making games?" I tell them the hard truth, "You have to get REALLY into making games." It never, never hurts to have some help, though. If you are established in the games industry, you have the power to change somebody's life for the better. Do one favor for a stranger at Game Developers Conference this year. Try it. The high that you get from changing a stranger's life will be greater and last longer than the high that any of those not-really-cigarettes ever could offer you.